Dr. Naidich, I am a 56 year old woman who has been married for over 30 years. My husband and I have two children and three wonderful grandchildren. We live in a somewhat conservative town. My husband has always been addicted to pornography which I have never liked. He is contantly watching x-rated videos and movies on the internet. On occassion, he wants me to watch the movies with him. He also has dressed in my under garments, and wanted to have intercourse with me while dressed like that. I agreed on a couple of occasions, but felt wierd about it and did not enjoy it one bit. He also used to ask me to urinate on him which I refused to do. I have never felt comfortable with my husband and his fetishes. Now, I feel repulsed and have been considering divorce unless he agrees to treatment for these problems. We went to a marriage counselor about 10 years ago for about three months. But, my husband minimized the situation, made empty promises, and is back to the same old tricks. What do you think I should do?
By Anonymous on 1/21/11
My first question, since you have been married for over 30 years, is "why are you considering a divorce NOW"? Does your husband know how you feel or that you are considering divorcing him over this issue? The first step, if you haven't already done so, is to talk with him about this in a calm, loving way. Perhaps it is time to go back to couples therapy. If he is willing, your husband could seek counseling from a sex therapist while it would be best for you to enter individual therapy to explore your feelings about your husband's behavior and your ambivalence about remaining married to him. After 30 plus years of marriage this is a big decision and one that I suggest you make thoughtfully. Best of luck! Keep me posted... Dr. Naidich
By Dr. Jennifer Naidich on Married and Mismatched at 2:11 PM
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Married and Mismatched
Dr. Naidich,
I am desperately in need of some help!
My husband and I have been married for seven years. We are both from relatively conservative Greek families; and dont really believe in divorce. We have two children - five and three. My husband works as an architect in the city and we live in the suburbs. For the last year and a half, my husband stays in the city to unwind over a few drinks with male and female co-workers and customers. He also started to invest a lot more time and care into his appearance - working out, buying new clothes, etc. He is somewhat narcissistic about his appearance and has even stated that there is a bit of a mis-match in our appearances. He actually has told me several times that he was never totally attracted to me. What gets me the most angry is that at least once per week, he goes out until 2 or 3 in the morning. I tell him that he is not being a good role model for our two children. But, he minimizes this, When I get upset about this and confront him about his behavior, he denies having an affair. We went to a psychologist for counseling for a few sessions and then stopped. It was apparent that my husband was not interested in changing. The psychologist told me that I should start to focus on my self instead of trying to change my husband; and that I should make a choice/decision on if I want to continue to live like this since my husband stated that he has no intentions of changing,
I need a second opinion. What should I do?
I am desperately in need of some help!
My husband and I have been married for seven years. We are both from relatively conservative Greek families; and dont really believe in divorce. We have two children - five and three. My husband works as an architect in the city and we live in the suburbs. For the last year and a half, my husband stays in the city to unwind over a few drinks with male and female co-workers and customers. He also started to invest a lot more time and care into his appearance - working out, buying new clothes, etc. He is somewhat narcissistic about his appearance and has even stated that there is a bit of a mis-match in our appearances. He actually has told me several times that he was never totally attracted to me. What gets me the most angry is that at least once per week, he goes out until 2 or 3 in the morning. I tell him that he is not being a good role model for our two children. But, he minimizes this, When I get upset about this and confront him about his behavior, he denies having an affair. We went to a psychologist for counseling for a few sessions and then stopped. It was apparent that my husband was not interested in changing. The psychologist told me that I should start to focus on my self instead of trying to change my husband; and that I should make a choice/decision on if I want to continue to live like this since my husband stated that he has no intentions of changing,
I need a second opinion. What should I do?
It sounds like you are in a bind. However, I agree with the psychologist that you sought counseling from. You would be best off starting to focus on yourself. I wonder if you have a social life apart from your husband and children? I think that it is important for you to develop one if you don't already have one in place. You need to have a support network of your own. Having your own hobbies and interests will also help you to boost your self -esteem and create a richer life despite your understandable frustrations with your husband. I also recommend that you seek individual therapy for yourself with a new therapist. There is no telling which direction in which this will lead you, but I believe that this will help you to cope with a very difficult situation, empower you, teach you how to best manage your anger and then make a sound decision about how to proceed.
I wish you the best.
Keep me posted.
Dr Jennifer Naidich
I wish you the best.
Keep me posted.
Dr Jennifer Naidich
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Love: An Art or A Science
Dr. Naidich,
How much of love is art and how much of it is science? And, can you explain the philosophy of "love by degrees"?
Pete
Hi Pete,
I think love is both an art and a science. The art of love involves chemistry, passion, an open heart, and generosity of spirit. But there is also a science or practical approach to love which involves how we go about maintaining love over time. This includes how we choose to communicate, remain intimate, honest, faithful, and committed partners. For lasting love, there needs to be a balance between the two.
Love by degrees seeks to address issues that arise in relationships at all stages, including dating (on-line dating), long-term relationships, marriages, families, and parenting. The general philosophy is to advise people at varying "love by degrees" on how to improve their current situation or to answer questions regarding dilemmas relating to one of the most important areas of our lives: LOVE.
Thanks for writing!
Dr. Naidich
How much of love is art and how much of it is science? And, can you explain the philosophy of "love by degrees"?
Pete
Hi Pete,
I think love is both an art and a science. The art of love involves chemistry, passion, an open heart, and generosity of spirit. But there is also a science or practical approach to love which involves how we go about maintaining love over time. This includes how we choose to communicate, remain intimate, honest, faithful, and committed partners. For lasting love, there needs to be a balance between the two.
Love by degrees seeks to address issues that arise in relationships at all stages, including dating (on-line dating), long-term relationships, marriages, families, and parenting. The general philosophy is to advise people at varying "love by degrees" on how to improve their current situation or to answer questions regarding dilemmas relating to one of the most important areas of our lives: LOVE.
Thanks for writing!
Dr. Naidich
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Will a Pre-Nup Ruin a Second Chance at Love?
Dr. Naidich,
If I ever get re-married, I will ask for a pre-nup. Some of my friends say that they will also get a pre-nup if they get (re)married. While others say that if you are in love why ask for a pre-nup because it sends the wrong message to your future spouse and may jinx the marriage. Not to be pessimistic, but I think that getting re-married without a pre-nup is naive. Any advice?
If I ever get re-married, I will ask for a pre-nup. Some of my friends say that they will also get a pre-nup if they get (re)married. While others say that if you are in love why ask for a pre-nup because it sends the wrong message to your future spouse and may jinx the marriage. Not to be pessimistic, but I think that getting re-married without a pre-nup is naive. Any advice?
Asking for a pre-nuptial agreement is a personal decision and can be a touchy one. I do not believe that it may “jinx” a marriage. That fact is that with today’s divorce rate in America hovering around 50% it is not unreasonable for each individual to protect their assets when entering a marriage. I don’t believe it is pessimistic, rather realistic. Couples enter into marriage in love- hoping and wishing for the best, with an optimistic attitude. They walk down the isle believing that they will beat the odds and go the distance. While I am a romantic at heart, I believe a pre-nuptial agreement in today’s world is a practical option. That way in the worst-case scenario you are both protected. The trick is presenting it in an amicable manner, rather than in a pessimistic or non-loving way. The best approach is to introduce the idea by telling your potential mate that you have every intention in the world of never having to rely on the agreement, but that that in the event that you do, you want BOTH of you to have an equitable outcome.
Best of luck,
Dr. Naidich
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