Friday, January 14, 2011

Married and Mismatched

Anonymous said...

Dr. Naidich,

I am desperately in need of some help!

My husband and I have been married for seven years. We are both from relatively conservative Greek families; and dont really believe in divorce. We have two children - five and three. My husband works as an architect in the city and we live in the suburbs. For the last year and a half, my husband stays in the city to unwind over a few drinks with male and female co-workers and customers. He also started to invest a lot more time and care into his appearance - working out, buying new clothes, etc. He is somewhat narcissistic about his appearance and has even stated that there is a bit of a mis-match in our appearances. He actually has told me several times that he was never totally attracted to me. What gets me the most angry is that at least once per week, he goes out until 2 or 3 in the morning. I tell him that he is not being a good role model for our two children. But, he minimizes this, When I get upset about this and confront him about his behavior, he denies having an affair. We went to a psychologist for counseling for a few sessions and then stopped. It was apparent that my husband was not interested in changing. The psychologist told me that I should start to focus on my self instead of trying to change my husband; and that I should make a choice/decision on if I want to continue to live like this since my husband stated that he has no intentions of changing,

I need a second opinion. What should I do?

Dr. Jennifer Naidich said...

It sounds like you are in a bind. However, I agree with the psychologist that you sought counseling from. You would be best off starting to focus on yourself. I wonder if you have a social life apart from your husband and children? I think that it is important for you to develop one if you don't already have one in place. You need to have a support network of your own. Having your own hobbies and interests will also help you to boost your self -esteem and create a richer life despite your understandable frustrations with your husband. I also recommend that you seek individual therapy for yourself with a new therapist. There is no telling which direction in which this will lead you, but I believe that this will help you to cope with a very difficult situation, empower you, teach you how to best manage your anger and then make a sound decision about how to proceed.

I wish you the best.

Keep me posted.

Dr Jennifer Naidich


  1. I cant imagine that your husband isnt having an affair. There is no good reason for him to be hanging out until 2 a.m. once per week to "unwind" with a wife and 2 kids at home. IF I were you, I would seek legal counsel.

  2. I am always more than a little skeptical when one person in a marriage wants to hang out with out their spouse and stay out late (like after midnight), hang out in bars, clubs just talking with singles of the opposite sex.. What is the purpose of it? Does not seem like a recipe for a loving marriage to me.