Viagra or Divorce? A Third Option

Dr. Naidich,

I desperately need your help! I have been happily married to my wife for 31 years. We have 3 children and 4 grandchildren. My wife is threatening to divorce since I can no longer meet her "needs". I am 60 years old and have tried viagra a couple times. But I wont use it anymore! The last time I used it, I had to go to the emergency room due an erection that lasted almost two days and a rash on my legs. I am too old for this "sh-t." I spoke to my doctor and he said I should try to satisfy my wife in some other ways. I spoke to her about my doctor's advice, but she told me that she was still in her "prime" and that the other ways were not the same thing. I dont understand my wife's priorities. Please help me.

November 17, 2010 3:47 PM 


Dear Desperate,


Let me start by saying I agree with you--no more Viagra!!! With serious side effects like the ones you have experienced, this is not the solution to your problems.


Being happily married for 31 years is quite an accomplishment! I am sure you have weathered many storms together and I don't see why this one should be any different. It sounds like both of you are extremely frustrated with your sex life (and each other) right now.  While there are other ways to satisfy your wife's sexual needs it is important to get to the underlying problem here.


While I do not have all the information I would like to have, it sounds like you are suffering from erectile dysfunction (ED).  This is an inability to achieve or sustain an erection suitable for sexual intercourse.  This is not considered normal at any age.  It can be caused by physical or psychological problems.  All physical problems must be ruled out first by a medical specialist who will conduct a comprehensive medical/psychosocial interview and battery of tests.


The doctor will want to know if you can ever get an erection, if you get erections in the morning or at night, if you can masturbate, if you can get (and/or maintain) an erection in the presence of your wife, what medications you take, what chronic illnesses you have, how your relationship with your wife is going (are you still attracted to her/have you had an affair), what major life stressors/changes you have recently experienced, what your alcohol consumption is like, how much exercise you get, etc.  A thorough medical examination and tests such as a complete blood count, liver and kidney function, sexual hormone function, thyroid function, cardiac function, blood flow function, etc. should be conducted.  If the cause is physical there are other options, aside from Viagra, to treat the problem.  If medical factors are ruled out--stress, depression, fatigue, too much alcohol, performance anxiety, or relationship problems may be the primary culprit.  If this is the case cognitive-behavioral therapy is indicated.


Since your wife is threatening divorce, I strongly recommend that you start couple's counseling with a cognitive-behavioral psychologist who specializes in sex therapy and relationship issues (while you simultaneously rule out physical factors).  Your wife may be unhappy about other problems that she is not telling you about and blaming it on your inability to meet her  sexual "needs".  Perhaps she has other needs that she feels are not being met or is dissatisfied with other aspects of your relationship.   The same goes for you.  Your sexual difficulties might be based on underlying psychological or relationship factors that need to be addressed with a therapist.  Sometimes having a third party in the room who is specialized in getting to the root of the problem and facilitating communication can make a huge difference!  Even if you find out that your problem is medical this certainly can't hurt at this point.  At least your wife can get some useful information about ED.


Go find out what is really going on--avoid divorce and  heal your marriage.


Let me know how it works out!  Best of luck!


Dr. Naidich

Internet Intimacy

Dear Dr. Naidich,

“I recently started dating on-line and it seems to me that people seem go back and forth with endless e-mails, instant messages and phone calls before they even meet which conveys a false sense of intimacy. You feel close to this person before you ever meet them through technology. Then you develop expectations and fantasies. When you finally meet very often the person does not live up to the image you had in your head or they misrepresented themselves and this can be quite distressing. What do you think about this type of situation?”

-Jessica


Dear Jessica,

Well, I hear this a lot in my practice, and from friends and family. I believe people spend way too much time chatting on-line and on the phone before setting up a first meeting. This creates, as you said perfectly, a false sense of intimacy. You feel like you know and are connected to this person before you even meet and this can be deceiving. Sometimes there is nothing left to talk about when you meet. Other times the person misrepresented themselves-either in terms of looks or personality. And while you might have felt that ‘special connection on-line’, there might in fact be no chemistry in person. This person might not come close to meeting all the unrealistic expectations you have conjured up in your head. So I recommend moving quickly from an e-mail or two to a brief phone call to scheduling a meeting in a public place that doesn’t involve too much alcohol (as it impairs your judgment). That way you do not feel overly ‘connected’ before you meet and can use the Internet as a tool and then get to know someone the old fashioned way- by talking to them face to face. Try that approach and let me know how it goes. 
Best of luck!

Dr. Jennifer B. Naidich

Will a Pre-Nup Ruin a Second Chance at Love?

Dr. Naidich,

If I ever get re-married, I will ask for a pre-nup. Some of my friends say that they will also get a pre-nup if they get (re)married. While others say that if you are in love why ask for a pre-nup because it sends the wrong message to your future spouse and may jinx the marriage. Not to be pessimistic, but I think that getting re-married without a pre-nup is naive. Any advice?

November 9, 2010 7:22 PM

Asking for a pre-nuptial agreement is a personal decision and can be a touchy one. I do not believe that it may “jinx” a marriage. That fact is that with today’s divorce rate in America hovering around 50% it is not unreasonable for each individual to protect their assets when entering a marriage. I don’t believe it is pessimistic, rather realistic. Couples enter into marriage in love- hoping and wishing for the best, with an optimistic attitude. They walk down the isle believing that they will beat the odds and go the distance. While I am a romantic at heart, I believe a pre-nuptial agreement in today’s world is a practical option. That way in the worst-case scenario you are both protected. The trick is presenting it in an amicable manner, rather than in a pessimistic or non-loving way. The best approach is to introduce the idea by telling your potential mate that you have every intention in the world of never having to rely on the agreement, but that that in the event that you do, you want BOTH of you to have an equitable outcome.

Best of luck,

Dr. Naidich 

Phases of Love

Dr. Naidich,

Do you believe that it is possible to love more than one person at the same time? I had been dating several women for a while, then narrowed it down to two. It ended up getting complicated and I eventually decided to date just one of them...my friends said that I couldn't have really loved either one of them..What's your opinion?

November 9, 2010 7:00 PM

Yes, I believe that it is possible to love more than one person at the same time. We all do. For example, we may love our partners, families, and friends.

In your case, you might have loved different things about each of these women or loved them in different ways or in varying degrees.

But what you didn't mention was how long you were dating each of these women. In romantic love there are two stages of love, the infatuation stage and the attachment stage.

In the first stage, or infatuation phase of love our brains are flooded with chemicals that make our hearts beat faster, fill our stomachs with butterflies, and make it hard to focus on anything else but the object of our desire. This eventually wears off, as we cannot function very long in this state and maintain our day-to-day lives.

The next stage of romantic love is the attachment, or deeper love that comes when the infatuation wanes. You now know your partner with flaws and all and still love them unconditionally. You share a special bond together.

It is up to you to decide what stage, or in what ways you loved each of these women. But the general answer to your question is yes, I believe it is possible to love more than one person at the same time. I hope that clarifies things for you.

Best regards,

Dr. Naidich