Dear Dr. Naidich,
“I recently started dating on-line and it seems to me that people seem go back and forth with endless e-mails, instant messages and phone calls before they even meet which conveys a false sense of intimacy. You feel close to this person before you ever meet them through technology. Then you develop expectations and fantasies. When you finally meet very often the person does not live up to the image you had in your head or they misrepresented themselves and this can be quite distressing. What do you think about this type of situation?”
-Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Dear Jessica,
Well, I hear this a lot in my practice, and from friends and family. I believe people spend way too much time chatting on-line and on the phone before setting up a first meeting. This creates, as you said perfectly, a false sense of intimacy. You feel like you know and are connected to this person before you even meet and this can be deceiving. Sometimes there is nothing left to talk about when you meet. Other times the person misrepresented themselves-either in terms of looks or personality. And while you might have felt that ‘special connection on-line’, there might in fact be no chemistry in person. This person might not come close to meeting all the unrealistic expectations you have conjured up in your head. So I recommend moving quickly from an e-mail or two to a brief phone call to scheduling a meeting in a public place that doesn’t involve too much alcohol (as it impairs your judgment). That way you do not feel overly ‘connected’ before you meet and can use the Internet as a tool and then get to know someone the old fashioned way- by talking to them face to face. Try that approach and let me know how it goes.
Best of luck!
Best of luck!
Dr. Jennifer B. Naidich
I love meeting woman over the internet. It reminds me of leafing through a mail order catalog..I'll have two of these and maybe three of those.
ReplyDeleteSince I have a busy schedule and dont have a lot of time to hang out with the chance of meeting someone, it's much quicker to meet people this way. Like you recommended, I send a brief email once or twice and then ask them to meet for a drink...sometimes, its a shot and sometimes its a few rounds. It all depends on the chemistry which like you said cant be figured out in a one dimension interaction. I believe in the importance of some chemistry from the start!
Internet relationships that go on too long without ever meeting remind me of these news stories where a guy marries a pillow with a animae pic on it or marries a video game image....see link on youtube attached
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-qaMXZ_l70&feature=related
Dr. Naidich,
Can you provide any added insight into this? Can't relate
I viewed the YouTube link you attached and I must say that I seriously cannot
ReplyDeleterelate either! I think that that is an extreme case of someone who wants to escape reality. Individuals that partake in this type of behavior often don't have or dont develop the social skills to develop or maintain a "real life" relationship so they turn to virtural reality to get their needs met. It seems pretty scary to me! But back to Jessica's question, I think the majority of people that keep these Internet dating interactions going for prolonged periods of time before they actually meet in person are probably either anxious or commitment phobes (or at least one is and the other is going along for the ride). Either way nobody is doing anyone any favors. I stick to my original statement that it is best to have a few e-mail exchanges, a phone call and then meet in person. Use the internet technology as a tool, as most of us don't have the time or other ways to gain exposure to so many singles, not as an escape from reality. Get out there and actually meet the person you are virtually communicating with and live life-really!
Best of luck!
Dr. Naidich