Internet Intimacy

Dear Dr. Naidich,

“I recently started dating on-line and it seems to me that people seem go back and forth with endless e-mails, instant messages and phone calls before they even meet which conveys a false sense of intimacy. You feel close to this person before you ever meet them through technology. Then you develop expectations and fantasies. When you finally meet very often the person does not live up to the image you had in your head or they misrepresented themselves and this can be quite distressing. What do you think about this type of situation?”

-Jessica


Dear Jessica,

Well, I hear this a lot in my practice, and from friends and family. I believe people spend way too much time chatting on-line and on the phone before setting up a first meeting. This creates, as you said perfectly, a false sense of intimacy. You feel like you know and are connected to this person before you even meet and this can be deceiving. Sometimes there is nothing left to talk about when you meet. Other times the person misrepresented themselves-either in terms of looks or personality. And while you might have felt that ‘special connection on-line’, there might in fact be no chemistry in person. This person might not come close to meeting all the unrealistic expectations you have conjured up in your head. So I recommend moving quickly from an e-mail or two to a brief phone call to scheduling a meeting in a public place that doesn’t involve too much alcohol (as it impairs your judgment). That way you do not feel overly ‘connected’ before you meet and can use the Internet as a tool and then get to know someone the old fashioned way- by talking to them face to face. Try that approach and let me know how it goes. 
Best of luck!

Dr. Jennifer B. Naidich

Will a Pre-Nup Ruin a Second Chance at Love?

Dr. Naidich,

If I ever get re-married, I will ask for a pre-nup. Some of my friends say that they will also get a pre-nup if they get (re)married. While others say that if you are in love why ask for a pre-nup because it sends the wrong message to your future spouse and may jinx the marriage. Not to be pessimistic, but I think that getting re-married without a pre-nup is naive. Any advice?

November 9, 2010 7:22 PM

Asking for a pre-nuptial agreement is a personal decision and can be a touchy one. I do not believe that it may “jinx” a marriage. That fact is that with today’s divorce rate in America hovering around 50% it is not unreasonable for each individual to protect their assets when entering a marriage. I don’t believe it is pessimistic, rather realistic. Couples enter into marriage in love- hoping and wishing for the best, with an optimistic attitude. They walk down the isle believing that they will beat the odds and go the distance. While I am a romantic at heart, I believe a pre-nuptial agreement in today’s world is a practical option. That way in the worst-case scenario you are both protected. The trick is presenting it in an amicable manner, rather than in a pessimistic or non-loving way. The best approach is to introduce the idea by telling your potential mate that you have every intention in the world of never having to rely on the agreement, but that that in the event that you do, you want BOTH of you to have an equitable outcome.

Best of luck,

Dr. Naidich 

Phases of Love

Dr. Naidich,

Do you believe that it is possible to love more than one person at the same time? I had been dating several women for a while, then narrowed it down to two. It ended up getting complicated and I eventually decided to date just one of them...my friends said that I couldn't have really loved either one of them..What's your opinion?

November 9, 2010 7:00 PM

Yes, I believe that it is possible to love more than one person at the same time. We all do. For example, we may love our partners, families, and friends.

In your case, you might have loved different things about each of these women or loved them in different ways or in varying degrees.

But what you didn't mention was how long you were dating each of these women. In romantic love there are two stages of love, the infatuation stage and the attachment stage.

In the first stage, or infatuation phase of love our brains are flooded with chemicals that make our hearts beat faster, fill our stomachs with butterflies, and make it hard to focus on anything else but the object of our desire. This eventually wears off, as we cannot function very long in this state and maintain our day-to-day lives.

The next stage of romantic love is the attachment, or deeper love that comes when the infatuation wanes. You now know your partner with flaws and all and still love them unconditionally. You share a special bond together.

It is up to you to decide what stage, or in what ways you loved each of these women. But the general answer to your question is yes, I believe it is possible to love more than one person at the same time. I hope that clarifies things for you.

Best regards,

Dr. Naidich

excerpts from The Doctors: Sirius Radio XFM (10/19/10) - Dr. Michael Aronoff & Dr. Jennifer B. Naidich

Dr. Naidich,

I found out my husband went out on two dates last year with a woman he worked with after he had been complaining he felt "empty" after the death of his mother.  He said he was happy I found out and ended everything.  For a while everything was great.  But then he started pulling away emotionally and physically.  When I finally confronted him he said he was confused.  He listed endless complaints about me and said he didn’t know if he was in love with me anymore.  He refuses to go to couples counseling and says he need time and space to figure things out.  I am seeing a therapist on my own for the first time tomorrow.  I don’t know what to do… I am at my wits end.   I need your advice.

Your husband may be depressed and using you as a scapegoat.  Sometimes when people feel ”empty”, seek out affairs, and put all the blame on their significant other they may be suffering from chronic low-level depression.  It is too bad that he won’t go to therapy with you.  What does he have to lose?  Maybe you should tell him that you are hurt and confused and have made an appointment with a counselor for tomorrow.  Tell him that you would like to figure things out together - whatever the outcome may be - and that you’d like him to join you.  But the most important thing you do right now is to take care of yourself. Going to therapy is a great start.  You need to figure things out for yourself by exploring and dealing with your own feelings of hurt, rejection, and possibly anger.   We wish you the best.

Dr. Naidich,

My 40 year old son has Borderline Personality Disorder and he tends to get all these great women and then ruin the relationships.  He's divorced.  He's been dating a really nice woman now for the past 6 months and I’d like to warn her about my son’s problems to save her the heartache.  What do you think?

Your son is an adult and so are the women he is dating.  If you’d like to maintain a relationship with your son, then we recommend that you do not disclose this information to the woman he is dating or any woman he dates in the future.  That's between them - 2 consenting adults.  No one is perfect (that includes all of us) and maybe these women know of your son’s problems but decided to date him anyway.  They might accept him as is (unconditionally).  Either way it is for them to work out on their own.  Our advice is to stay out of it. 

Dr. Naidich,

I am married to a narcissist who is impossible to communicate with, and we have two 9 year old children together.  There is a career discrepancy with her being the major bread winner, as I am currently unemployed.  We completely disagree on how to parent our children.  We have been to therapy three times because we can’t seem to hear each other’s needs.  It's been completely useless.  I still cannot talk to her.  So I 've stopped trying.  Now I do anything to avoid conflict with her because she is always right.  I have no voice here.  I 've shut down. The only way I can cope is by drinking to take the edge off.  Please do not give me the textbook answer on how to communicate better with your spouse; believe me I’ve been there - done that.  At this point I am only here because I don’t want to leave my children.  Any creative advice?

We are sorry that you are going through such a hard time. You must be under a significant amount of stress given your martial strife and loss of your job.  But drinking is not the solution to your problems and may only make matters worse.  It's a depressant and might contribute to your feeling even worse.  Enough lecturing.  Some creative advice: You may want to re-evaluate the reasons you are staying in this marriage.  Staying for the kids is not always in their best interest.  They tend to pick up on the emotional climate in the home, meaning they are not unaware of how you and your wife feel about each other.  The tension in the home must be causing them undo stress.  Furthermore, you might want to consider what kind of role models for intimate relationships you are providing for them.  Is this really what you want them to grow up and emulate?  We know you don’t want to leave the children, but you won't necessarily be out of their lives.  You can gain joint custody and see them frequently.  Basically we're recommending that you think of what is in the best interest of the children and that might not mean staying in a marriage filled with anger, contempt, stress, tension, and major communication problems;  think about this.  You might want to seek therapy for yourself before you make a decision based on emotion rather than reason.  You're certainly in a tough situation. We hope this helped and wish you the best.